day 19: on letting go and a mind like water

first thing's first! i didn't tell you about the reason why i hated saddle. how i could have forgotten, i'm not quite sure. anyway, get this: there was a tarantula on the path. right in the very beginning. early enough that i spent the rest of the hike being nervous i'd find one on my leg after walking through the brush. the guide said it was the second he'd seen in 10 years. just my luck, huh?

today kateri and i decided to ditch the "stop sign" hike. i've done it twice already and i'll have another chance to do it again next week. instead, we biked to the local art village, kayenta. kateri had her morning coffee and i sat and read time magazine. it was lovely, but there was no calorie burn involved at all, whatsoever. the whole day kateri and i spent our extra time looking at our calorie burns only to find ourselves a little over 2k by the end of the day.

breakfast was a bacon and egg sandwich again but i got granola and almond milk instead. i put in a cut up red apple and some cinnamon. it was absolutely awesome!

after breakfast i spent both of the morning classes in the gym, attempting to up my calorie burn. i first ran a mile on the treadmill at 5.6! then i got skinny legs and all and sat on the bike until the first 45 minute period was over. the second 45 minute class was instructed by tiffany, so i got on a treadmill for the rolling hills. you raise incline every 15 seconds, until you get to the top and then you walk on no incline for a minute while you recover. after recovery you do a minute long sprint. we repeated this twice, our second sprint was 2 minutes long and i ended it at 6.7. we did a few calisthenics around the room after the rolling hills, and then head outside to use jump ropes and hula hoops like we did in week one. guess what? i jumped double dutch today. who knew i could do such a thing. i remember watching girls doing it and being so confused as to how it was even possible. i did it for a solid 30 seconds so i'm totally proud of that. hahah.

lunch was sunchoke soup and a half pita with ground turkey, tomatoes, mushrooms, and spinach. i love that pita for some reason, it's so delicious and filling.

after lunch i played volleyball, since it was open gym. the three classes today were treading, ball works, and total body h20. i took treading first, and ball works second. treading is when you go all out for 5, recover for 5, go all out for 4, recover for 4, etc. until you hit 1 minute sprints. i ran at 6.4 or higher for all of the intervals. the recovery speed i was around 3, mostly. i am to be able to jog the entire time and sprint the intervals, but my routine will do for now. ball works was just a normal ball works class. giant weird moves with a giant weird pilates ball. i made kateri use 7lb hand weights with me and she glared at me the entire time. i apologized at the end because it was way harder than i thought it'd be.... i should've let her go for the 5lb... she kept giving me this horrid looks and mouthing things about peer pressure.

 i opted out of the pool class to spend the time in the basketball court playing badminton. way better than getting in the pool. i spent the beginning time stretching. my legs get pretty tight after i run. bobby, the guy who films our classes to put together a weird montage of "intense" work out videos, came into the court while we were in their. ed used to call him the video-spy, so i've made it a habit of mine to refer to him as such. anyway, i was singing "hey annie girl, what you doin' tonight, i want to see what you got in store", as i usually do to annie when i look in her direction. a few minutes later, video spy asked me if i got embarrassed easily. i told him no, but i think i might've been lying. anyways, i have a feeling i will be embarrassed tomorrow. oh well. over it.

a weird thing that's been going on at fitness ridge, that i just noticed today, is the insane infestation of gnats. they are the WORST THING EVER. they're everywhere. they coat the windows in the gym, the wooden floors of the aerobics room, and they're even in the lecture hall. it's gross. i don't like them. yuck. i kept flicking little ones off of my giant red pilates ball in ball works.

dinner was stuffed chicken and cous cous. it was delicious! and so was dessert. peach cobbler? yumm! what a great day for food!

after dinner i headed over to increasing your income which is a 2 week+ required activity. i opted out last week so i had to go this week. it's been a tough week. motivationally, physically, mentally. i'm learning to get stronger and i feel this week everything is more intense. we were asked to all give advice and i said that it's okay to not give 100% on a day where you feel you've hit a wall. and you need to accept that you didn't go all out, and make up for it another day. i mentioned that it's more okay in a scenario such as the one we're in, where we're working out 7 hours a day. it's totally okay then because we're pushing so hard most hours of the day that if your body is telling you to slow down a bit, then do it. but make sure it's your body telling you, and not your little voice saying "i can't anymore". i guarantee you, you can.

cindy spoke about how you can always do something. nothing, absolutely nothing, can hold you back. cindy's knee cap is fractured down the center. she wears a knee brace but she still works out with us. she does what she can. i'm so inspired by cindy, particularly this week. she got her injury by slipping on merchandise at target, so we always joke that anywhere is more dangerous than fitness ridge. she got right back up on her feet even when she was in pain. she climbed camelback yesterday! so amazing. it's stories like that that really keep me going.

i played tennis with kateri after lecture. her knee's been bothering her, so it was a weak win. i'm not even proud because i know she couldn't go all out. 6-1 (i'm not ashamed, either).

i rushed back to my appointment with jen and sat down with her for an hour and fifteen. i think the appointments are supposed to be fifty minutes but i guess i'm extra troubled. oh well. jen told me i need to embrace control over myself. i believe this applies to everyone. we are constantly concerned with what others are doing, how other events are unfolding, attempting to control what we merely cannot. the truth is, i can control myself. i choose not to at times, but i can. we made up a few different charts and she asked me if she could write down that it was true, that i had control over myself. i hesitated for a while. i would hate to disappoint myself that way. she said that it was one of those things you beat into yourself until it is true. so i told her okay, i was ready to be in control. i looked back into past events in my life. i read into certain events and markers that may have given me permission to mentally label myself as "fat" at a young age. i, like everyone, have things to work through. it's time to let go of my old, negative beliefs of myself and recreate new, more truthful, inspiring ones. there's a difference between being conceded and being rightfully confident.

i will find a mind like water. jen referenced this tonight, and i love it. a mind that moves with the blows and adapts to problems. a mind like water is calm. still water calm, not ocean-riptide hectic.

i love you all. your support and comments are so appreciated. i smile each and every time i hear from one of you. with all of the love in the world, goodnight.